Describing my junior year is no easy task. It was good and bad, confusing and logical, exciting and downright depressing, Over all, it was kind of a mess of fabric and butcher paper and eraser shavings, lost pencils health issues and crumpled homework, long nights and early mornings and naps.
This year I met more people than I think I ever have in such a period of time, yet I am ending the year without any idea what the term “best friend” is supposed to mean anymore, and with no real idea how many people I can consider friends at all. Acquaintances, perhaps are plentiful. Every time I met someone I thought maybe I could click with, I soon realized we were too different or that they simply already had too many close friends to spend time with me, and all of my old friends drift farther yet.
Theatre was…something. In ways, it was even more incredible. I had virtually full control over costumes. This meant I did all the work, but that was perfectly acceptable to me, I didn’t mind. I learned a lot and I had fun doing it, even up sewing for hours. But, being in crew for a play does something weird to you. You get to know everyone around you, but on closing night you realize they don’t know you at all. That was okay with me. I love everyone from the play, and am grateful for all the time I got to spend with them, even if it didn’t always feel like I was with them.
Joining ASB, while stressful, was one of the greatest choices I have made in all of High School. Last year, I dreaded giving a class presentation, and in two days I am co-MC for an assembly. When you aren’t involved, you simply don’t realize what goes into everything, the stress put on those struggling to coordinate or anything of the sort. You get a sort of impression of these stuck up kids who think they are above everyone, and that’s not true. While I don’t always see eye to eye with other people in the class, I have a great deal of respect for them and I am happy to have known them. I am super happy that I got to partake in color war and every little detail that, in fact, takes hours, going into an event. There’s something strange about spending four hours on that huge poster for the assembly to turn around and tear it to shreds the next day. That is routine. After Friday I will have helped do that four times this year. And, oddly enough, I am glad about that.
My classes have been an extreme stress. I have been literally buried in homework, fallen asleep with a History Chapter in my lap and spent more lunch time doing work I don’t have time for than I have spent eating. At times I have felt like my teachers simply didn’t care I had other classes, plus ASB required events, plus was at school until 4:30 daily….in the end I know it is simply part of the process, but that doesn’t make it less trying.
This year has made me doubt myself more than ever before. I have always lacked confidence and worried way too much what other’s think of me, but this has been 156 days of being constantly tested. Told I am “So judgmental” or “bossy” and the sort, when I know those things aren’t true. They have crawled under my skin and found their way not only into my heart but into my head, where those things like to nest. There I started to reconsider every choice I made and word I said, I felt like I could never be myself-sometimes I still feel that way-like I am not allowed to speak my mind and every word out of my mouth must be calculated so that I can please everyone. That is not a way to live but sadly it is how I have spent much of my Junior year and I regret it more than anything this year. Every afternoon I go home and run over the day’s events, thinking what could have been done differently and about the ill-informed words of a few, people who I wanted to believe were my friends. Then, most nights I lay in bed and think about it again, until I work myself up and can’t get any sleep at all.
I have tried to make this a happy year and think at many times I have succeeded, to some degree. I have enjoyed many experiences but it has never lasted long. Right now I am drowning in work for Prom and trying not to complain too much but it is simply stressful, and I guess part of me is hoping that I’ll bring it up and people will just say “Then don’t do it, it doesn’t have to happen. Eat something. Take a nap. Miss a ten point work sheet. Doing something for you.” It doesn’t happen though, and even if it did I would probably ignore them and just freak out even more, so I guess I don’t need to hear it. All I can do is my best.
I am really looking forward to my senior year. My plan next year is a simple one, not to doubt. To be confident. To ignore what people say about me and stand up for myself and meet more people and make new friends. I think senior year will be a good one. I certainly hope so, and I am grateful for what has happened to me this year because I think it is good for me in life and it has made me appreciate the positives of this year more than ever.
As I reread this I realize it makes my year sound like one depressing nightmare, but it wasn’t. This year I figured out where I want to go to college. I escaped a nightmarish class and laughed about it. I had many experiences that I will hold with me my whole life. I finished writing another book. I read more books than I have in a long time, all within about three months. I laughed as much as I cried. I got to know some people from theatre better. I learned not to be ashamed about the movies I like, crushes on fictional characters, etc. This year has strengthened me in a lot of ways, and I think I am going to have a summer where I can simply relax for once.
This year I met more people than I think I ever have in such a period of time, yet I am ending the year without any idea what the term “best friend” is supposed to mean anymore, and with no real idea how many people I can consider friends at all. Acquaintances, perhaps are plentiful. Every time I met someone I thought maybe I could click with, I soon realized we were too different or that they simply already had too many close friends to spend time with me, and all of my old friends drift farther yet.
Theatre was…something. In ways, it was even more incredible. I had virtually full control over costumes. This meant I did all the work, but that was perfectly acceptable to me, I didn’t mind. I learned a lot and I had fun doing it, even up sewing for hours. But, being in crew for a play does something weird to you. You get to know everyone around you, but on closing night you realize they don’t know you at all. That was okay with me. I love everyone from the play, and am grateful for all the time I got to spend with them, even if it didn’t always feel like I was with them.
Joining ASB, while stressful, was one of the greatest choices I have made in all of High School. Last year, I dreaded giving a class presentation, and in two days I am co-MC for an assembly. When you aren’t involved, you simply don’t realize what goes into everything, the stress put on those struggling to coordinate or anything of the sort. You get a sort of impression of these stuck up kids who think they are above everyone, and that’s not true. While I don’t always see eye to eye with other people in the class, I have a great deal of respect for them and I am happy to have known them. I am super happy that I got to partake in color war and every little detail that, in fact, takes hours, going into an event. There’s something strange about spending four hours on that huge poster for the assembly to turn around and tear it to shreds the next day. That is routine. After Friday I will have helped do that four times this year. And, oddly enough, I am glad about that.
My classes have been an extreme stress. I have been literally buried in homework, fallen asleep with a History Chapter in my lap and spent more lunch time doing work I don’t have time for than I have spent eating. At times I have felt like my teachers simply didn’t care I had other classes, plus ASB required events, plus was at school until 4:30 daily….in the end I know it is simply part of the process, but that doesn’t make it less trying.
This year has made me doubt myself more than ever before. I have always lacked confidence and worried way too much what other’s think of me, but this has been 156 days of being constantly tested. Told I am “So judgmental” or “bossy” and the sort, when I know those things aren’t true. They have crawled under my skin and found their way not only into my heart but into my head, where those things like to nest. There I started to reconsider every choice I made and word I said, I felt like I could never be myself-sometimes I still feel that way-like I am not allowed to speak my mind and every word out of my mouth must be calculated so that I can please everyone. That is not a way to live but sadly it is how I have spent much of my Junior year and I regret it more than anything this year. Every afternoon I go home and run over the day’s events, thinking what could have been done differently and about the ill-informed words of a few, people who I wanted to believe were my friends. Then, most nights I lay in bed and think about it again, until I work myself up and can’t get any sleep at all.
I have tried to make this a happy year and think at many times I have succeeded, to some degree. I have enjoyed many experiences but it has never lasted long. Right now I am drowning in work for Prom and trying not to complain too much but it is simply stressful, and I guess part of me is hoping that I’ll bring it up and people will just say “Then don’t do it, it doesn’t have to happen. Eat something. Take a nap. Miss a ten point work sheet. Doing something for you.” It doesn’t happen though, and even if it did I would probably ignore them and just freak out even more, so I guess I don’t need to hear it. All I can do is my best.
I am really looking forward to my senior year. My plan next year is a simple one, not to doubt. To be confident. To ignore what people say about me and stand up for myself and meet more people and make new friends. I think senior year will be a good one. I certainly hope so, and I am grateful for what has happened to me this year because I think it is good for me in life and it has made me appreciate the positives of this year more than ever.
As I reread this I realize it makes my year sound like one depressing nightmare, but it wasn’t. This year I figured out where I want to go to college. I escaped a nightmarish class and laughed about it. I had many experiences that I will hold with me my whole life. I finished writing another book. I read more books than I have in a long time, all within about three months. I laughed as much as I cried. I got to know some people from theatre better. I learned not to be ashamed about the movies I like, crushes on fictional characters, etc. This year has strengthened me in a lot of ways, and I think I am going to have a summer where I can simply relax for once.